Intimacy Matters
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Intimacy Matters
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Articles Learn more about relationships with the following article by Dr. Jill Morris. All rights are reserved, however, please offer the appropriate credit if you want to utilize a quote. For reprints of any of the articles please get in touch with me. If you have any questions, I may be contacted by at jmorrisphd@adelphia.net. Divorce without Destroying
the Children Divorce without Destroying the Children Divorce, for everyone
involved, is a time of significant adjustment. As parents our greatest concern
and questions are how will this affect the children. If you were the one who
initiated the divorce you may have already considered that the children are
better off with happily divorced parents than angrily married ones. If your
divorce was not initially your choice you may have spent much time condemning
your ex-spouse for “doing this to the children.” Blame,
justification, rationalization are all noble acts in response to the
guilt, anger and hurt that we feel during this difficult time. Whether you are
feeling pain and anger or relief and freedom, this is a time of transition and
as with all transition there are benefits and losses. Somewhere between the first
few months and the first few years after separation you will see effects of the
divorce on the kids. We seem to pay attention to the negatives. Children
“acting out,” isolating themselves, withdrawing from one or both parents,
doing poorly in school, changing their eating and sleeping habits and a
multitude of other behaviors that we attribute to The Divorce. The reality is
that all children can potentially exhibit these symptoms whether they come from
a divorced family or not. The Divorce alone is not enough to create problems for
a child. In fact, various studies have supported the findings that children
living in the midst of highly conflictual marriages suffer more distress than
the full range of children of divorce. The degree of conflict, whether the
parents are married or not, seems to be the most important factor in predicting
a child’s reaction. Even in the best of cases,
divorce can be a conflictual process, at least initially. But, it doesn’t need
to stay that way. So how does one avoid conflict when compromise seems out of
the question? If clear communication and compromise is the usual between you and
your ex-spouse, read no further. If this is not your situation, the following
points may be helpful in creating an environment that benefits your children. 2. Remember
divorce is between parents. You may
have a very good reason for not wanting to be close to your former spouse. Your
children, however, did not request the divorce. Reasons for the divorce are not
sufficient reasons to deny your child access to the other parent. Children are
more negatively affected by the absence of a parent than the absence of a
marriage. This goes for extended family as well. 3. Your
former spouse will always be your child’s parent.
For your child you are the only two parents in the world. Criticizing the
other parent is hurtful to your child. If your ex-spouse is a louse your child
will figure it out, without your help. Until then, that parent is an undeniable
part of your child and that needs to be respected. 4. Custody
works best when it is balanced. This
doesn’t mean that children need to spend equal time with each parent. How
often does that happen when parents are married? It does mean that children get
to spend time both parents regardless of who owns the title. Balance needs to be
considered for the parents as well. Over-work and exhaustion can turn a
wonderful parent into an ogre. There is no “best” custody arrangement that
applies to every family. Consideration needs to be given to the work schedules
of the parents and the age and needs of the children. Depending on the distance
between households, custody can range from weekly time with each parent to
parent of the year with one parent and part with the other. Consistency and
flexibility, when necessary, are key to providing your child with a stable
atmosphere. 5. Children
fair better when no one is starving. Economic
deprivation hurts your child. You may resent paying alimony and child support to
your former spouse. You may want retribution and think you should get your ex
for all they’re worth. If either parent gets stuck without adequate shelter,
clothing or food, it is the child who is ultimately harmed. If you can afford
it, give it. Child support is for the child, not the parent. 6. Take
care of yourself. Children need parents
who can model the ability to take care of oneself while considering the needs of
others. If you spend time focusing on creating a positive environment and
developing a bright future, you are demonstrating the ways to thrive in the face
of stress. Children will benefit
from the fabulous experience of seeing anger and sadness transformed into
self-respect and motivation. You can’t help your children if you are not
caring for yourself. 7. Don’t’
be afraid of enlisting the help of a third party.
Sometimes things are simply too emotionally hot to handle. Unfortunately, it is
at times like these that we have trouble going to others for help. If friends
and family are too involved to see things clearly, seek help from your
community, look for a group designed for parents going through divorce, enroll
the help of the school guidance counselor, of find private counseling for
yourself and your children. Family mediation may be an option at any time prior
to, during, or after the divorce. A family mediator may help you come to an
agreement on matters that would be costly, both financially and emotionally, if
litigated. Your
children may now have two households, but they only have one family. Whether
married or divorced, children benefit when the parenting team is supportive and
free from spite. The way of providing a loving and nurturing environment is for
you to be living it. Domestic
Violence in Affluent Communities: Trapped in a Gilded Cage When you hear the phrase domestic violence what image comes to mind? You may envision the Farrah Fawcett character in the “Burning Bed”, who finally managed her fear by killing her husband to save her own life. You may think of a woman with many children in tow, minimal education and limited ability to make a sufficient income to provide support for herself, let alone a family. We conceptualize a woman in great distress, with diminished self-esteem, absent a support system, and covered with a myriad of wounds (both physical and emotional), a woman who would get out if she had the resources, someone with a history of reliance on social services. While this is one very realistic and stereotypic image of the victim of domestic abuse, by the time your finished reading this article my hope is that your understanding, and your empathy will expand far beyond this image. What I’d like to share may scare you; in fact, it may even keep you from wanting to continue. Why? Because the faces of the victims are not other women, they are us. It is essential to know that domestic violence is not an issue that is by any means limited to women. It is not limited to women in relationships with men, and it’s not limited to women without economic or social resources. It affects everybody-men, women, and children. But it is women who are the primary victims of male physical assault in more than 90% of domestic violence cases. As a marriage and family therapist treating women in Boca Raton for nearly a decade, I’ve heard endless accounts of women living in fear within their own homes. Most are beautiful, well-dressed, articulate, educated, and with solid incomes and vibrant personalities. They are creative and interesting, the people you would enjoy working with or talking with over a leisurely lunch. They are mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, friends, co-workers, teachers, physicians, attorneys, financial advisors, therapists and entrepreneurs. They don’t wear the traditional signs of domestic violence . . . sad eyes, bruised arms, or a helpless persona. They look like you and me. They are you and me. We are the hidden victims of domestic abuse. Hidden because we are acculturated to believe that doesn’t happen to people like us. Like other women stuck in abusive, demeaning relationships, we don’t tell anyone. But, even more insidious is that we remain in these destructive relationships even when we have all the ostensible resources to get “unstuck”. Although the “blame the victim” question, “Why doesn’t she leave?” may have a viable answer for a woman living in poverty with five children under the age of six, economic barriers are not sufficient to understand the sense of entrapment experienced by a woman who is gainfully employed, well-educated, and appears confident and competent to others on a daily basis. What excuse do we have for not getting out? How can we “accept” abusive, harmful behavior directed toward us? Why aren’t we utilizing community resources and shelters? The answers are complex. First we must realize that those of us who are in such a situation frequently don’t even identify ourselves as abuse victims. The victim mentality is not part of our makeup. We conceptualize the decision to remain in dangerous and destructive relationships as a choice, a trade off in some way. Our identities are that of survivors and managers of our own lives. Staying in an abusive relationship is often conceived as a decision based on the results of an ongoing, but objective, risk-benefit analysis. Another part of the psychological aspect of this process is that we really can’t believe this is happening to us. Because the stereotype is one in which domestic violence happens to women who are considered less empowered and don’t have the societal advantages that we’ve been blessed with, it is hard to reconcile that the abusive behavior we experience in our relationships can be called domestic violence. It must be something else, but not domestic violence. Often we feel so empowered in other areas of our lives that we dismiss the incidents of violence and threats as something we could have prevented or controlled. So we attribute these “events” to something other than being in a relationship with someone who acts abusively. We wonder if perhaps our strong personalities brought it on in some way. Maybe we did something to provoke it. We think that it was probably a one-time event, or something that happens only in certain situations (like only when he’s drinking). Therefore we have some degree of power over it. We have command over so many other aspects of our lives. It can’t be considered domestic abuse if we feel like we are successful, forthright, strong women. So we excuse or rationalize the behavior of the abuser because we believe, we want to believe, that we have control. The cycle persists once we move away from the denial and admit to ourselves that we are immersed in an abusive relationship. Then we recognize an immense feeling of shame. There is a cultural mandate that suggests that if we are victims of an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, we are damaged goods. The social belief presides that there is something wrong with women who feel trapped in a relationship involving violence. The shame and humiliation cuts deeply into our sense of self, making reaching out for help and assistance even harder. The cycle of diminishing self-esteem escalates and we begin to isolate and cut off from the very resources that could best serve to help us. As this phenomenon continues to snowball, and we separate from friends and family, working even harder to keep up appearances, and bouncing between the need to maintain and need to end the abusive relationship, we tend to beat ourselves up even further for having not had the foresight to have avoided this situation all together. We can’t figure out how what once felt like hope has turned to hopelessness. We begin to doubt our ability to judge character. After all, he was the most charming, dynamic, thoughtful, generous man at the beginning. How could we have missed the signs? We start to question our worthiness as a partner, as a person. We also begin to develop a hopelessness about relationships in general. The “devil you know versus the devil you don’t know” becomes a motto to keep us safe in the familiar, while reinforcing the erosion of self. Our trust in ourselves has been obliterated. This is central to the slow, sometimes unperceivable development of abuse that can turn violent within a domestic relationship. Let’s face it, we don’t go out with the guy who has “mean-spirited, abusive, and power hungry” printed on his forehead. We don’t entertain the idea of a second date with a man who speaks proudly of his misogyny on the first date. Abusive behavior creeps up on us and sometimes it’s disguised as protectiveness or generosity. Then somehow it grows into the conveyance of the idea that he is somehow more capable to manage your life than you are. “I’ll take care of things,” he says. At the beginning of a relationship it is hard to differentiate between kindness and the desire to control. But it is over time that efforts to help shift toward insistence at taking over. You may start to notice that things that used to be a bit irritating now make him infuriated, and therefore you hold back. You find yourself being careful not to rock the boat while still aware of his positive qualities and all that you’ve grown to love. You may have intertwined your lives with a home and children. Soon, while he’s under stress from work or some other situation, he explodes and calls you demeaning names (you may even shoot back). He apologizes later, desperately sorry to have ever hurt your feelings. You forgive him, after all no one is perfect, but you remain careful not to upset him especially during these stressful periods. But the name-calling becomes more frequent and his insistence that you’re incapable grows more forceful. He becomes more demanding. You try to meet his needs. You begin to feel incapable as a partner and the cycle progresses. Your sense of self has mysteriously eroded. This is much like the story of the frog in boiling water. If you place a frog in boiling water, he’ll quickly jump out. It’s an instinctive self-protective mechanism. A frog will surely die if boiled for any length of time. But place a frog in a lovely, warm, comforting pot of water and turn up the heat one degree each hour, the frog will end up boiling to death without having ever noticed when the heat got too high for him to move. He has become immobilized, with a sense that he is sure to die, but too paralyzed to protect himself. The lesson here is simple, but not really supported by our social norms. As girls we’re taught to be kind and respectful, to please others, and not to rock the boat. We are taught to be appreciative of the comforts offered to us by our partners without question. At times we have to step outside our prescribed gender roles to protect ourselves. We must be aware and willing to jump out of the water when we realize that it is getting too hot, even if it may hurt the feelings of someone we love and care about. I think Ellen Goodman said it best, “Speak up, speak up, speak up . . . the only thing you have to lose is your future ex-husband.” We must be proactive and willing to risk the loss of a comfortable and warm environment when we sense impending danger. Any woman, even those of us who are independent, competent, and strong, is susceptible to getting innocently trapped in a situation that is hazardous, emotionally or physically. The key is to recognize it and make a move before self-erosion has set in. Please feel free to call me confidentially, if you think you know someone who can benefit from this support. While a shelter can be helpful, many women in our community are reluctant to use social services when they’ve been used to the Ritz. There are resources within your area that can help women survive and thrive once they’ve made the commitment to find ways move forward. I can be reached at 561-558-2875 or by mobile phone at 561-702-0592. If you do reach a voice mailbox you may leave a confidential message. Out of respect and for your safety, be assured that I will not return your call unless you leave an explicit message as to when, where, and under what conditions I can contact you. |
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