Intimacy Matters
|
Intimacy Matters
|
|
|
Dating Some people love to date, others find it a torturous process necessary to achieve to goal of finding the right partner. Most feel somewhere in between. Nonetheless, unless you are destined for an arranged marriage, dating, is indeed the beginning of the process of getting to know a potential partner. Dating can also provide companionship, but different from the concept of having a "buddy" to spend time with, dating by definition implies that one or both people may be interested in pursing the relationship as a romantic one. For those who find dating a harrowing experience, the discomfort involved in those initial stages seems to present the greatest challenge. How do you meet someone? Will they find me attractive? Do I find them attractive? What do we talk about? Self-consciousness seems to be in abundance. We are often in hyperactive mode when it comes to how we look and how we present ourselves. We either mask our self-defined flaws (hoping our counterpart won't notice) or lay it all out in the open (believing they better see what their getting into now instead of later). But often we find it difficult to strike a balance, making us even more self-conscious. If dating progresses to a more serious level, you may have had several interactions with this person, you may begin to wonder if it's the right time to move to a more exclusive relationship in which you begin to identify as a couple. But you may also be wondering if this is on the mind of the person you're dating. It all adds up to much wondering and a lot of anxiety. But the wondering is important, as is the anxiety. After all, it is a recognition of risk. To raise the level of commitment between partners is in a way a leap of faith. We take the risk that we may hurt someone's feelings or have our feeling hurt ourselves. But this is essential to the process of discovering the kind of person who will make a good partner for you. The operative word is YOU. Finding a partner is a matter of deduction. Through relationships, dating, mating and cohabitating (and even marriage), you learn more about yourself and what you need and want in a relationship and a partner. These are probably the most important decisions you'll make in your life . . . it's not like choosing a cantaloupe. A friend once asked, "Why do I have higher standards for the people I date than I do for my friends?" The answer is rather simple, you don't expect to be merging your life with a friend financially, sexually, and relationally for a lifetime. Naturally, your desires would be different and your level of tolerance for certain personality or behavioral characteristics are going to be different. I strongly suggest to people who are in the process of dating, with the hope of finding a life partner, consider the following: What is essential to me in a relationship? What characteristics in myself and others do I respect? What are the "Must Haves" in a partner? What are the "Deal Breakers" that I couldn't live with? What's important in my life right now? Will that be changing soon? How do I present myself? Is it genuine? Do present myself as someone who would be attractive to the kind of person I think would be compatible with me? If not, what needs to change. What are my beliefs about relationships, marriage? What "rules" do I expect that both of us follow in the relationship? Do you have different expectations from men and women in relationships? Can you communicate these ideas clearly? We all too often ignore the answers to important questions like these and overlook essentials because we are very sexually attracted, need something a potential partner has to offer, or feel compelled to continued dating a partner we know isn't right for us because it would appease or impress others. While some of these relationships may end up in marriage, it is rare that when we ignore or overlook these important factors that we end up feeling satisfied in our relationships. The best way to avoid a bad marriage is to start with a good relationship, one that is good for both people involved. |
Send mail to jmorrisphd@yahoo.com
with questions or comments about this web site.
|
