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| Problems in Relationships |
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| Communication |
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Communication problems are cited as the
number one problem in all long-term relationships. Much of the time we
think we are communicating when, in fact, our partners really don't
fully understand the meaning of what we are trying to communicate. One's
basic belief system acts as an interpreter of information and when our
partner tries to express something they are doing so from their own
belief system.
Most people don't underestimate the value of consistency and
predictability in a relationship. But when it comes to communication, it
is congruency that's important. Communication involves not
only verbal expression , but nonverbal expression as well. If what you
say is not consistent (or congruent) with what you do, your message will
be mixed and easily misunderstood. This goes for yourself and your
partner. Many people feel uneasy, but aren't sure why, when they are
faced with mixed messages from their partners. Congruency,
matching behavior with verbal expressions, are essential to building and
maintaining trust in a relationship. If this, or any other aspect of
communication problems, are influencing your relationship in anyway, it
is worth examining and rectifying.
Good communication makes the difference between an intimate relationship
and one that may last, but feels unfulfilling and lacks
connection. |
| Sexuality and Romance |
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Sexuality and romance are fundamental to at least one
person in most long-term relationships. Differing libido, preferences, interests, trust, comfort,
body image are all significant aspects of our individual sexuality.
Notions of sex and sexuality have a great deal of meaning within the
context of a relationship. The quality and frequency of sexual
interaction, as well as the ability to communicate about sexuality are
fundamental to the functioning of a relationship. Often times couples
recognize problems in their relationships when the individual's sexual
beliefs are out of sync. After the initial developmental period of a
relationship, sexuality tends to change, and at times couples need extra
assistance in establishing or re-establishing their sexual intimacy.
While sexual intimacy reaches far beyond the process of having sexual
intercourse, sometimes additional stimulation, new ways of experiencing
one's sexual nature, and clear cut instruction can truly benefit the
emotional intimacy involved in shared sexuality. Please visit the page
on sexual enhancements to explore
the products available designed to improve your sexual
relationship. |
| Financial |
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Financial problems are often difficult to
reconcile in any type of relationship in which your financial well-being
is connected the financial well-being of your significant other. If
financial matters have been an issue for you and your partner, please click
here to find out more about a pilot study we are conducting in an
effort to develop ways to help couple's experiencing similar
difficulties. It is possible to improve your relationship by
understanding the deeper meaning of money for yourself and your partner.
Many popular ideas suggest that if couples could work together to
improve their financial circumstances then they will find marital
satisfaction and happiness. It actually works the other way around.
Couples who work together to find marital satisfaction and happiness
tend to improve their financial outlook. This information is available
in a book that is well worth reading if financial issues are a matter of
conflict between you and your partner. There are many books out there
about couples and money, but if you want more than the standard
practical advice and want to know more about how money affects your
relationship try reading "You Paid How Much for That!: How to Win
at Money without Losing at Love" by Jenkins, Stanley, Bailey, &
Markman. |
| Children |
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Okay, here is a fact . . . there is no way
having a child together will not affect your relationship. It doesn't
matter if a pregnancy was planned or unplanned, through fertility
treatments, by adoption, as a foster parent, whether you're gay or
straight, married or unmarried, rich or poor . . . children
(particularly the first) will change the context of your family and will
bring up a range of issues that are part of this transition in the
family life cycle. Difficulties regarding parenting styles (even when
the children are adults) can greatly effect the quality of your
relationship. Role expectations with regard to caretaking and
financial provisions will come into play. The added pressure of having
someone dependent on you for survival can provoke a great deal of
stress. Communication (or miscommunication), physical adjustments,
exhaustion, experiences in one's family-of-origin, financial shifts all
contribute to a couple's adjustment to having children. Children connect
you indefinitely. Figuring out how to manage different parenting ideas,
working together as a team, supporting each other in childrearing
efforts, and balancing the multiple responsibilities involved with
raising children can be a challenge for most couples. In-laws and
friends often have a great deal of advice to offer and can, in many
cases, be a source of significant support. At other times, reliance on
an objective, third party can be just what a couple needs to work out
their conflicts and stressors. |
| Trust |
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For most, trust is at the core of the
possibility of developing and maintaining an intimate relationship. It
is trust between partner that allow each to feel secure enough to
express their vulnerabilities and to be fully open with each other.
While some people are generally more trusting than others, being
trustworthy is essential in the establishment or reestablishment of
trust. Basically, this means following through with what you say and
speaking the truth as you know it.
If you're hiding something from your partner, chances
are you have a sense that your partner will somehow disapprove, you
anticipate a problem developing as a result of your partner knowing. You
may have reason to believe that your partner would disapprove, perhaps
they've expressed disapproval in the past about something similar, or
you are not comfortable with it yourself. But hiding something, whether
it's something you've done or something you believe in, creates a
barrier to intimacy. Lies and sneaky behavior tend to be a byproduct of
an attempt to conceal something. As result your partner loses trust in
you. Frustration and resentment grow. Feelings of pain, rather than
pleasure, begin to dominate your relationship. These experiences almost
always escalate until something changes.
There are certain times, while fairly limited, that
sharing a thought or experience can do more harm than good, particularly
if the motivation for sharing was to specifically hurt your partner or
to relieve your guilt. Sharing, under these conditions, require the pros
and cons be fully explored.
Infidelity is probably one of the most frequent
problem that comes up for couples affecting trust. After disclosure
or discovery, some couples ultimately come to the conclusion that trust
can not be rebuilt and other's find ways to learn about the problems
preceding the indiscretion and correct them. There are several variables
involved, making no one process or decision right for every couple.
Chances are that some form of counseling is necessary if one or both of
the partners have developed an intimate relationship (even if it is not
sexual) with someone outside your primary relationship.
Addictions are also frequently at the root of mistrust
in a relationship, causing a serious block to intimacy. Certainly drug
and alcohol addictions present noticeable challenges to maintaining
intimacy, but other addictions, such as food, gambling, or even the
internet, take valuable time away from couple time and interfere with
the ability for the addicted person to be honest and present in the
relationship. In these circumstances, the problems affect both the
person and the relationship, and may require individual as well as
couple's counseling.
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| Power
and Control |
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It's
tough, but part of human nature throughout all of history is for us to
want some degree of control over ourselves, our environment and our
destiny. Frustration, when things are beyond our control or out of line
with our beliefs about how things "should" be, may lead to
stronger efforts to control. When you are feeling the need to take
control in a relationship or if you are feeling controlled by your
partner, the amount of power you have in the relationship comes into
play. Types of power include financial power, physical power, and social
power. Basically the person with the most resources, outside of the
relationship, maintains the highest level of power. This can be a
double-edged sword, in that by having a greater amount of these
resources puts one in a position to be even more attached to keeping
them. However, using such power to enforce control (i.e. getting what you
want) in a relationship ultimately backfires. It is a short term
solution that demeans your partner and blocks the ability to create
genuine intimacy, leaving your partner with a feeling of insecurity and,
perhaps, fear.
Likewise,
feeling out of control, powerless in your relationship, with little
external resources can lead you to feeling even more dependent on your
partner and less likely to take the action needed to empower
yourself.
To learn more
about how power and control are manifested in your relationship, click
here, for excellent diagrams provided by the Duluth Model of the
Domestic Abuse Intervention Project.. |
| Fundamental
Incompatibility |
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This content for this topic is still in development.
Please check back shortly, or email me at jmorrisphd@adelphia.net
with questions about this problem. |
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